Stop Buying into Your Own Stories

We all make assumptions. Whether it’s due to the expression on our partner’s face that we know so well or that word or two a co-worker left out of an email, we know what they’re thinking, right? Wrong. You can never know with certainty what is happening in someone else’s head.

If you’ve ever been blind-sided by a situation that went differently than you expected; had a jaw-dropping moment when a new realization hit; or felt hurt when someone didn’t do what you’d expected, then you may be believing the stories, or assumptions, you’ve told yourself. This is especially likely if these kinds of situations happen frequently with multiple people.

Is this a way of life for you? Your personal zone of normal?

Perhaps this topic reminds you of the expression “don’t assume because you will make an ass out of you (u) and me”. It’s silly to argue the validity of this saying because of the endless examples where it is true. And some of us are slow learners!

The damage assumptions cause is both unhealthy and harmful. If assuming is more of a habit, way of being or typical life pattern rather than a one-off or occasional issue, the results can be particularly negative.

All assumptions are made up in our head. They are stories we create. When we do this, we stray away from the need to have a conversation or clarify our beliefs because we are sure our assumption is correct. When communication stops, the opportunity for a positive outcome is diminished.

Here are three killer assumptions that are often prevalent in problem situations:

1. Up-sizing it

– making an issue, problem or situation bigger and far more dramatic than it really is. It’s the proverbial making a mountain out of a molehill.

2. Who’s in the spotlight (it’s all about me)

– when troubles arise, do you make it personal and see the situation as an attack against you?

3. Silence is agreement

– if you realize far too late that other people don’t have the same perspective, expectations or wants as you do, ask yourself if you assumed they were in agreement with you simply because they didn’t say otherwise.

These three assumptions can sound simplistic, almost nebulous, but consider their negative impacts. Because of them, confusion, shock, anxiousness and anger rise up. With frequency, these assumptions can lead to other physical and mental health issues such as:

• Insomnia, disturbed sleep
• Difficulty focusing or concentrating
• Inability to calm and relax
• Headaches, stomach upset

If you think some of these symptoms sound a lot like the common results of stress, you are correct; they are the same. Assumptions and the negative impact of them often lead to a stress response. Over a short term, these symptoms can be managed, but danger occurs when they become ongoing, long-lasting or a way of life.

Since assumptions and their negative and harmful impacts are connected, it is necessary to learn new skills and change the habits around creating assumptions. You may not even realize you’re creating these stories if it’s become an automatic response. There’s a reason the term “jumping to conclusions” was created. Beneficial skills focus on improving communication, shifting perspective and stopping the inner storytelling.

These three tools can help to curb the tendency or challenge the thoughts that lead to harmful assumptions:

1. Chill Out – when problems are growing in your head, take time to calm things down and readjust your mindset

Ask yourself: will this matter in 2 days?

2. Check In – in the middle of an issue (but preferably before), consider the evidence you have to support your thoughts. Really look at all the facts and consider the information you are using to formulate your perspective. Is it factual? It might not be as solid and accurate as you think

3. Compare – get into the habit of being curious about other people’s views and perspectives. Similar to checking in, this gets further into the heart of the issue by exploring the differences of opinion

Ask: I see it this way. How do you see it? Ask: What do you think about ________________? I think about it this way __________.

The common theme for these new strategies is simple: make others your focus so there is sharing, asking and comparing early. Focus on relationships, not your own stories.

Make the goal to practice assumption-blasting tools on a regular and ongoing basis to avoid the surprise, confusion and shock of assumptions gone bad. When you get out of your head, focus on others and chat more, you can re-balance realities and reduce the negative impact that comes with the stress of killer assumptions.